Hear Mark Dow read “Feedback” here.

Feedback

We were talking about how sometimes it just comes out.
About public speaking. Being nervous but doing it anyway,  
like when you made that toast. Like it was public even though it was 
family and close friends, but that’s even worse. So it was private.  
Intimate. Intimidating’s more like it. One of her sons stood up 
and said that before his own second child was born he asked her 
how he’d be able to love a second one as completely as he loved the first.  
He asked his own mother that? About his daughter? Well, he might 
not have known it was a girl yet, but yeah. And? He said she said 
you will, and that he did. Was he afraid of loving or of not being loved?  
That’s a leap, isn’t it? Is it? Aren’t they the same? We were talking
about how sometimes you just say what you’ve been getting 
ready to say without trying to say it. Right, which is what he said.  
I mean he said it. He didn’t think about it ahead of time. That’s not 
his style. But she sure did. She said she feels like a vessel and it comes 
into her. She said through her. He said he’s himself and not himself. And 
that he watches. She said there’s a feeling of it pouring into you. Sometimes 
reception is the main thing, the receiving, sometimes the listener 
gives you back to yourself. I don’t even know what you’re —
Like I said —  
                           But if you can sense someone understands you
while you’re saying it —  
                                               But why else would you say it? 
Did she look at her or at everybody or what? While she
was toasting her, I mean. Toasting her. It was like it was 
just the two of us. Did you have the feeling of being watched?  
It’s like you’re just walking with them. Walking or talking? 
Oh, that’s weird. So you don’t look too far ahead. You do but not
for too long. Or at your steps so you don't trip over your own two feet. 
Aware of being listened to. A feedback loop. 
I was about to say that. A feedback loop. It opens 
some people up. Others it shuts them down. Or shuts 
the system down. That’s a safety feature. Or design flaw.

Mark Dow | Real
Contents | Mudlark No. 59 (2015)